


when you go over, i'll go under

by johnil



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Literal Sleeping Together, Long-Distance Relationship, Lots of kissing, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Male Character, a sickfic if you squint, i guess, it's angsty in the beginning but the end is sweet i guess, kind of, lots of sleeping sigh, markhyuck are trans, nctrans, testosterone mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnil/pseuds/johnil
Summary: donghyuck presses himself into mark’s side and closes his eyes. he smiles at the feeling of an arm curling around his back and fingers drumming on his waist.





	when you go over, i'll go under

**Author's Note:**

> hi! thank you for reading this!!
> 
> take a shot every time donghyuck goes to sleep. that's all i'll say
> 
> (title is from [marrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XmLs-ESwSk) by jealous of the birds! please check the song + artist out, it's the ~Really Underrated~ solo project of a wlw legend named naomi hamilton and all her music is so good i love her so much)
> 
> oh oh also!! if the section is completely in italics then it's from the past and donghyuck is remembering it heh
> 
> enjoy!

for all the trouble that it’s worth, donghyuck would sooner die than keep living.

 

the room is cold, but sweat still pools beneath him, and he soon finds that he doesn’t have the energy to move away from where he’s lying. his alarm blares from its spot on his nightstand. he slams his hand on it to shut it up. by the time it’s silenced, his ears are already ringing louder than the alarm had ever been.

 

he checks the time on his phone. it’s six in the morning. there’s a spam of about thirty texts from his group chat in his notifications and one separate good morning text from mark, but he can’t bring himself to do anything other than put his phone back down on his nightstand and curl in on himself.

 

it’s hard to breathe. donghyuck runs a hand over his chest and finds the outline of something that _should not be there._ he presses down on his ribs and immediately barks out a loud cough.

 

he can’t sit up without black spots dancing in his eyes. donghyuck isn’t sure if that’s due to the pain in his lungs or the twist in his stomach, but either way, he won’t be moving around anytime soon. there are a thousand and one thoughts hurtling through his head at a mile a minute. they make his head spin, and the faults in his vision fade in and out every time he tries to focus on just one thought.

 

 _‘prioritize,’_ donghyuck thinks to himself. _‘come on. you can do this.’_

 

his hand gropes blindly for his phone, closes around it, and pulls it back towards him. he cradles it for a moment before unlocking it and scrolling through his contacts until he finds the right one. he wastes no time in clicking _call._

 

the line rings for a few seconds, and in that time, he puts the call on speaker and sets his phone aside. the line on the other end crackles to life.

 

“hyuckie?”

 

donghyuck tries to speak, but the words catch in his throat, and a rough cough comes out in their place.

 

“donghyuck?”

 

donghyuck takes a deep breath and sits up as quickly as he can, and then all he can feel is pain coiling around his ribs and a rush of dizziness in his head that sends him reeling.

 

it’s for the best, though, because now he can speak. “i’ve had my binder on for way too long,” he says. his words come out softer than he’d like. “i’d get mark to come help me, but…”

 

 _but mark isn’t here right now._ his words hang in the air. they’re better off unsaid, anyways.

 

“i’ll be over as soon as i can. don’t move, alright? use those breathing exercises mark taught you.”

 

 _‘but i don’t remember them,’_ is what donghyuck tries to say, but the line goes dead before he can even take the breath to say them. he falls back onto the bed and feels the muscles in his stomach twitch.

 

he runs a hand over his exposed stomach and presses down experimentally. he doesn’t expect to flinch upwards in pain and then back down again because of the soreness in his ribs. he lies in bed, breathing heavily—or, well, as heavily as he can manage without spasming in pain.

 

so. the fire in his stomach isn’t imaginary. scowling, donghyuck runs a hand under him and presses into the mattress. he pulls his hand back to find it stained red.

 

this isn’t supposed to happen. under no circumstances did he plan for this. _this is not supposed to happen._

 

dread pools beneath the pain in his gut. donghyuck pulls his pillow over his head and screams as loud as his lungs will let him.

 

-

 

_mark and donghyuck like to compare their progress with each other. they had both started hormones on the same day as a tribute to their friendship, and they both consider it their closest link to each other._

 

_it’s not uncommon for donghyuck to barge into mark’s room on quiet days demanding that mark take off his binder because he’s been wearing it for far too long. on good days, donghyuck takes videos of himself while speaking and sends them to mark. mark’s always been more conscious about his voice dropping, though, and there are periods when he goes completely nonverbal to donghyuck out of pure hatred for his own voice._

 

_“it doesn’t matter how your voice sounds,” donghyuck says one night when mark can’t speak to him. “you’re still a boy. you’ll always be a boy.”_

 

_mark’s final breaking point ends up being when donghyuck’s voice drops nearly an octave before his own even starts to crack. donghyuck had been avoiding sending him voice videos just to make him feel less uncomfortable, but it was probably better to send him videos than let him figure out just how much his voice had dropped._

 

_“hey,” donghyuck says casually, walking into mark’s room with a smile and a package of off-brand cookies in his hand._

 

_mark takes one look at donghyuck, processes the words being said to him, and bursts into tears. donghyuck doesn’t need to think before he drops the cookies and rushes to mark’s side, wrapping his arms around him, and pulling mark into his lap._

 

_“i’m sorry,” mark sighs. “i should be happy for you. hyuckie, i am, i’m so happy for you, but—” he cuts himself off with a laugh that sounds too bitter for donghyuck’s liking, and then he buries his head in donghyuck’s chest._

 

_donghyuck just pulls him closer and tucks mark’s head under his chin. mark likes feeling small; he loves the feeling of being safe and protected. as their friendship had progressed, donghyuck found that that applied to being comforted, too._

 

_“i get it,” he whispers. “i get it, baby, it’s okay. your voice will drop soon.”_

 

_the pet name slips out on accident, but mark doesn’t say anything. donghyuck thinks briefly that maybe mark likes it. he pushes the thought far from his mind when he realizes his heart’s pace has quickened._

 

_eventually, they end up watching old movies together and eating the pack of cookies that donghyuck had brought over. donghyuck insists on going with mark to his next appointment, and in the end, it’s donghyuck who convinces mark’s doctor that he needs to up his testosterone dosage._

 

_(in a few weeks, mark calls him early in the morning, babbling nonsense that donghyuck can barely understand. his voice is deeper. not by much, but it’s getting there. donghyuck screams so loud that he can hear himself on the other end of the receiver.)_

 

-

 

the pillow is still on his face whenever three knocks sound at his bedroom door.

 

“hyuckie, can i come in?”

 

he makes a weak noise of approval and hopes the pillow doesn’t muffle his voice too much.

 

in a few seconds, the pillow is lifted up and tossed across the room with a soft _thud._ renjun hovers over him, his lips pursed.

 

“hi,” donghyuck whispers below him, voice hoarse, either from screaming or from an inability to hold air.

 

“hey,” renjun says back, eyebrows furrowed. “you want me to help you out of the binder, right?”’

 

donghyuck nods.

 

“sit up.”

 

he complies, pulling himself into a sitting position with a wince.

 

“raise your arms for me.”

 

he reaches up a few inches above his head, and then his ribs flare up, and he doubles over to clutch them.

 

“yeah, that’s what i figured,” renjun purses his lips and pulls donghyuck back upright as gently as he can. “hyuckie, i can’t get you out of that shirt if you’re in that much pain whenever we try to take it off. i’m going to have to cut you out of it.”

 

donghyuck shakes his head idly. “no,” he says. his leg starts to bounce up and down. “no, this is mark’s shirt.”

 

“mark has other shirts he can lend you.”

 

“he brought me this one last time he visited.”

 

renjun sighs. “you’re not going to let me cut you out of it, are you?”

 

donghyuck sets his jaw, and renjun grimaces.

 

“okay. lift your arms, and i’ll try to get it off you.”

 

weakly, donghyuck raises his arms above his head. pain explodes in his ribs and curls deep in his stomach.

 

“fucking hurry,” donghyuck gasps out. he doesn’t risk trying to breathe; there’s so much pressure on his chest that he thinks he may crack a rib if he moves the wrong way.

 

“sorry,” renjun mumbles, pulling the shirt up over donghyuck’s chest. “sorry, sorry, sorry. hyuckie, i’m _so_ sorry—”

 

with a harsh yank, renjun pulls the shirt over donghyuck’s head and throws it across the room.

 

“breathe, hyuckie. can you do that for me? can you try and breathe for me?”

 

air rushes into his lungs, and donghyuck slumps forward. his ribs are burning, and he hears them creak as he collapses in on himself.

 

“yes, there, like that,” renjun encourages. donghyuck looks up with wide eyes to see renjun smiling at him. “can i try and take off your binder?”

 

“yeah,” donghyuck breathes out, and then renjun is behind him, fingers curling around the hooks of his binder and pulling them loose. the back unfastens and digs into his shoulders.

 

he rolls his shoulders back, and then renjun slips the fabric off his arms and pulls a blanket over his chest. donghyuck sucks in a breath.

 

the new air he breathes is cold, and it sends a shiver down his spine. his ribs ache,  but he’s not in nearly as much pain as he had been.

 

“i need to go get cleaned up,” donghyuck says miserably. “there’s blood everywhere.”

 

“do you need help?”

 

“just… can you wait for me while i shower?”

 

“of course, hyuckie,” renjun says. he looks away when donghyuck hobbles out of bed, arms clutching his ribs as gently as he can. donghyuck turns when he’s in the doorway to see if renjun’s sitting on the bed—and to warn him that the sheets are bloody—but renjun is stripping his bed and balling up the stained sheets in his arms instead.

 

donghyuck smiles to himself. “junnie,” he says quietly. renjun freezes.

 

“yeah?”

 

“thank you. i love you.”

 

renjun grins at him. “as much as it pains me to say it, i love you, too.”

 

he gets an eye roll in before the bathroom door clicks shut and he’s left to his own devices.

 

the first thing he does is turn the shower onto the hottest temperature. the sight of the steam makes his muscles ache. he locks the bathroom door and holds himself at arm’s length away from the mirror to stare at himself.

 

the inseam of his binder has pressed angry red marks into his skin that prove raw when he runs a hand over them. bruises pepper the broken skin around his torso.

 

when the room finally becomes too hot to bear, donghyuck braves the shower. the hot water does little for his aching muscles, but when he looks down, he finds blood settling at his feet and then running into the drain. he shudders, sighs, and tilts his head until he’s staring at the tiles of his bathroom ceiling with tears in his eyes.

 

-

 

_mark is the one to push for them to join the alliance club at school._

 

_“alliance? like, we all come together and fight crime or something?”_

 

 _“fucking—” mark pushes him off the bed. “like, an alliance for people like_ us.”

 

_“an idiot alliance.”_

 

_“donghyuck.”_

 

 _“oh, shit, that’s my name,” donghyuck says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “dude, that’s my_ name. _that i chose. for myself.”_

 

_“anyways, i mean lgbt alliance. you know? the club that meets once a week?”_

 

_“okay, yeah, i’ll consider it, just say my name again so i can feel valid.”_

 

_“donghyuck,” mark laughs. from the floor, donghyuck grins. “donghyuck, donghyuck, donghyuck.”_

 

_“stop it,” donghyuck says, throwing a pillow up at mark and hitting him in the face. “you’re making me feel too valid. i don’t like it.”_

 

_“you are lee donghyuck,” says mark flatly._

 

_“thank you.” donghyuck runs a hand through his hair. “i hate you.”_

 

_“so, will you go?”_

 

_“sure,” donghyuck says, holding a pointer finger up to mark’s view. the other bats it away. “but only if you go with me.”_

 

_“that was a given, hyuckie.”_

 

-

 

renjun is letting a pan of _something_ simmer when donghyuck stumbles out of the bathroom. he’s got a towel wrapped tightly around his torso all the way up until he darts into his closet and pulls a shirt three sizes too large over his head.

 

“hey,” donghyuck says, fiddling with the hem of the shirt. it falls down to his knees, so he bunches it up and tucks it into his pajama pants. he takes a seat at the counter and  “what are you doing?”

 

“making tea,” renjun says.

 

“that’s literally just milk.”

 

“i haven’t steeped it yet,” renjun pouts. “it still needs to boil. anyways, this is what i make for my sister when she’s sick. i thought it might help.”

 

donghyuck smiles and pushes his bangs out of his eyes. “thank you,” he says. “you don’t have to be so nice to me.”

 

“yes, i do.” renjun’s eyebrows are knit together like he’s confused. “hyuckie, i care about you. of course i’m going to take care of you while you’re like this.”

 

donghyuck pulls his hood up over his head and pulls the drawstrings until they’re taut. “this is mortifying.”

 

“part of it is also the fact that mark would kill me if he found out i left you here to suffer.”

 

it’s meant to be a joke, but donghyuck can’t help the frown that settles onto his face. renjun’s face falls.

 

“i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have—”

 

“it’s fine,” donghyuck sighs. “i just miss him more than usual.”

 

renjun hums and pours the tea into two mugs. he slides one across the counter, where donghyuck wraps his hands around it and dips a finger in it to stir.

 

“you’re going to burn your hand,” renjun says flatly.

 

“worth it,” donghyuck sings, pulling his finger out of the drink and lifting the mug to his lips. the tea burns his tongue, but when he swallows a gulp of it, he finds that he feels less pain than he had earlier. he waves it off as his own wishful thinking.

 

renjun is watching him carefully to see just how much he likes the tea. donghyuck glances at him and grins into the rim of the mug.

 

“i hate it,” he says, his breath bouncing off the inside of the mug and hitting his face. “it’s horrible.”

 

 _“awful,”_ renjun says, and for a second, donghyuck thinks he’s serious, but then renjun flashes him a grin and reaches across the counter to whack the back of his head. donghyuck bursts into laughter, and momentarily, he forgets why he’s supposed to be upset in the first place.

 

-

 

_when donghyuck meets renjun, he’s hanging off mark’s arm like it’s his lifeline. the meeting has been running for at least half an hour, and donghyuck is still too nervous to do anything other than bounce his leg up and down._

 

_“we have some new members,” a boy with a big smile says. he’s the leader, donghyuck remembers. his name is kun. “do you guys want to introduce yourselves?”_

 

_“i’m mark,” mark says, waving to everyone in the group. “i’m seventeen, and i’m here because i’m trans.”_

 

_he nudges donghyuck, and the younger tenses. “it’s okay,” mark whispers, his hand finding its way to donghyuck’s knee, which still bounces up and down as fast as it can. when mark grips it, though, donghyuck freezes._

 

_he gulps. “i’m donghyuck, i’m sixteen, and i’m trans.” he tries to ignore mark smiling at him. “and gay,” he adds as an afterthought._

 

_beside him, mark furrows his eyebrows. he opens his mouth to say something, but a boy sitting across the room cuts him off._

 

_“hi, donghyuck!” the boy waves. “i’m jaemin. you’re in my chemistry class, right?”_

 

_donghyuck manages a nod and smiles back. jaemin immediately launches into a rant about how unfair the workload in their shared class is. someone nudges donghyuck’s side gently._

 

_“sorry. jaemin’s really overbearing. that’s his default setting,” a boy next to him says. he offers a little wave. “hi, i’m renjun.”_

 

_renjun seems more sincere than everyone in the group. he laces his words with something gentle that eases donghyuck’s anxiety._

 

_donghyuck doesn’t have to force a smile this time; now, it comes naturally, and he finds a part of himself hoping that renjun will be his friend._

 

_-_

 

“where’d you put my binder?” donghyuck asks when renjun takes his mug away to wash. renjun stares at him for a few seconds before answering.

 

“i washed it. it’s hanging up right now, so it won’t be dry for a while. why?”

“i’ll change into it whenever it’s done drying,” donghyuck shrugs.

 

renjun freezes. _“donghyuck,”_ he says, and donghyuck _knows_ that tone; that’s the tone he uses when donghyuck has done something he doesn’t approve of.

 

“no, listen, i feel better—” donghyuck sticks a hand up his shirt and presses into his ribs. his plan backfires, because even though the pain in his chest is no longer constant, his bruises are still deep. he hisses and flinches away from his own touch, then scratches the back of his neck and blinks owlishly up at renjun. “—i _do,_ for the record. that was just a fluke.”

 

“can i leave the binder here with you, or are you going to put it on the second i leave?” renjun asks.

 

“you can leave it here,” donghyuck says weakly, but he can’t bring himself to look renjun in the eyes.

 

renjun darts into the hallway and returns with donghyuck’s sopping binder in his hands. there’s a short pause before donghyuck is standing. “renjun, give me the binder,” he croaks, but renjun holds it out of reach.

 

“you’re just going to put it on once i leave. i don’t want you to hurt yourself, hyuckie,” renjun says. his gaze softens a little when he sees donghyuck’s frown. “i’ll bring it back whenever i know you’ve stopped bruising.”

 

donghyuck feels desperation build up in him, and tears well up in his eyes as he furrows his eyebrows. panic grips him. his limbs go numb a little at the thought of being without his binder. “mark gave that binder to me,” he says breathlessly. it’s a lie—he’s had this binder for years, and he bought it for himself—but it’s his last chance to get his binder back. “please, renjun.”

 

donghyuck forces a few tears from his eyes. he can’t tell if they’re real or a part of his act, but his throat burns, and he finds that his chest starts to ache without being touched.

 

“hyuckie, no,” renjun says firmly. “look, i love you, but wearing it more when you’re already bruising will hurt you even more. we don’t even know if it’s warped your ribs yet. if it has, do you know what happens? your rib punctures your lung, or maybe your lungs collapse, and then you die.”

 

donghyuck stiffens. “get out,” he mutters, glaring at the floor.

 

“what?”

 

“get out. i know you’re right, but i’m mad, and i know i won’t calm down until i get my binder. i don’t want to take it out on you, so get out.”

 

“hyuck—”

 

“please,” donghyuck says. his voice breaks, and he can’t seem to swallow the lump in his throat.

 

“alright. i love you,” renjun says, and donghyuck doesn’t realize he’s left until the air conditioner roars to life. he screams. his vision focuses, and he glances around him to find that renjun is gone. donghyuck doesn’t have the energy to laugh at himself when he recovers.

 

donghyuck pulls his phone from his pocket and checks the time. it’s still early in the morning, and he has a small spam of texts from mark, so he decides to sit down and open them.

 

 **_mark:_ ** _good morning!! i wanna die let’s get this bread_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _wait. let’s get this dead_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _i’m gonna head off to class rn but i’ll be back later so text me when you see these!! i love you so much_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _ps my roommate tried to stop me but i bought another thing for you because it was really cute and i knew you’d love it so i couldn’t resist :((( ur cleaning out my wallet you heathen_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _but i still love u_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _have a good day!! if you see jaemin please slap him c:_

 

donghyuck thinks he’s going to have a stroke. his heart hurts so much worse than it ever has.

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _morning_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _i’m not gonna be on much today because bad things happened but. i love youuuu_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _and i miss you a lot! have a good day_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _ps: i’ll slap jaemin if you stop buying me shit. i love u_

 

surprisingly, mark texts back immediately, which is strange because he’s supposed to be in a lab right now.

 

 **_mark:_ ** _what’s up? renjun told me something was wrong but he wouldn’t tell me what_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _just some stuff_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _i’m working through it_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _hyuckie :((_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _it’s too complicated to explain over text_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _i’ll call you then_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _NO!!! UR IN A LAB_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _do some work i am begging you_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _no you sent me into overprotective boyfriend mode_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _i will die for u_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _please try and focus :((( i’ll be fine i swear_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _if it makes you feel better i’ll let you call me whenever you’re through with classes_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _fine but im not gonna like it_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _renjun said you kicked him out_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _please invite him back over i’m sure he’s just trying to help_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _oh he is_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _but i knew i was gonna get angry and take it out on him and i’d rather not put him through that_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _so the easiest thing to do was just. ask him to leave_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _understandable_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _ok im gonna go pay attention_

 

 **_mark:_ ** _i love you!! i’ll text you later_

 

 **_donghyuck:_ ** _gl i love u a lot_

 

donghyuck pockets his phone and absentmindedly scratches at his collarbone. his hand bumps his chest, and he flinches, which only makes the pain worse. donghyuck groans and collapses onto his couch. he lounges around for an hour or two, dozing off to the sound of disney channel reruns on the living room tv.

 

his eyes snap open when his stomach lets out a loud growl, and then he doubles over in pain as his insides seem to twist and turn. he stands on shaky legs and shuffles to the medicine cabinet, but his family is out of painkillers. without thinking, donghyuck pulls on a pair of boots, pulls his car keys off the rack on the wall, and stumbles off his door and headfirst into a torrential downpour. he spits rainwater out of his mouth and pushes his hair away from his eyes as he tries to unlock his car. he sprints to it and climbs inside, and for a few minutes, he sits there silently, letting his thoughts collect enough momentum to let him move.

 

donghyuck’s phone is still in the pocket of his pajama pants, so he frantically grabs it and attempts to turn it on. it doesn’t even bother responding.

 

well. now he has a real reason to go somewhere.

 

two near-wrecks and one loud horn blaring (“you can’t stop in the _left fucking lane,_ you goddamn _prick!”)_ later, donghyuck pulls into a walmart parking lot and shuffles into the store. the rain has lessened a little, but his hair is still damp, and he tracks puddles of water into the store. the greeter gives him an icy glare, but donghyuck hangs his head and very pointedly ignores her as he passes.

 

he ends up walking back towards the checkout lanes with five things in his arms: a bag of rice, a pack of pads, a bottle of ibuprofen, a variety pack of heating pads, and three bags of marshmallows. okay, _eight_ items, but the marshmallows were a three-for-one deal, so he blames the market.

 

he’s unloading his haul onto the conveyor belt when he sees something hanging on a rack and freezes.

 

mark had told him the horror stories; hell, mark had _lived through_ the horror stories.

 

...but it’s only for a week or so, maybe even less, so he snatches a pack and adds it to the pile.

 

donghyuck totals at more than he can pay for with cash. he faintly remembers mark telling him to use his own credit card in situations like this. he feels bad, but he hopes mark will understand. he pulls a silver card from his wallet with the name _MARK LEE_ in bold letters on the back and charges everything onto it.

 

“you’re very sweet to buy all this for your girlfriend,” the cashier says with a bright smile. “i’m sure she appreciates having a boyfriend as sweet as you.”

 

donghyuck wants with everything in him to say, _‘they’re not for her. they’re for me. and i’m gay, too.’_ he wants to shout at her without reason, to throw his bag onto the floor and stomp on it. he wants— _needs—_ to lash out, and he doesn’t know why.

 

he doesn’t, though. he swallows his anger and forces a smile at the cashier, and then he leaves the store without another word.

 

when donghyuck gets in his car and starts it, he lets out a small cough. immediately, fire curls around his ribs, and the pain in his stomach seems to increase tenfold. he rummages blindly through the walmart bag until his hands close around cold plastic. letting out a mix between a sob and a sigh of relief, he cracks the cap open and pours the pills out into his hand, and then he dry swallows four.

 

he screws the cap back onto the bulky pill bottle and shoves it back into the bag. he catches a glance of _it_ as he tries to lower the bag onto the floor, and guilt pools in his stomach as he realizes what he’s going to do.

 

donghyuck’s head drops onto the steering wheel for a long time, and when he lifts it, the rain is completely gone.

 

-

 

_donghyuck realizes he loves mark sometime in between his sophomore and junior year. it fits to him, makes sense like nothing else ever has. it’s a natural next step._

 

_so maybe mark makes the palms of his hands sweat. and maybe donghyuck’s heart does somersaults when mark laughs at him. maybe he wants to run his fingers through mark’s hair and lie next to him in bed._

 

_but it seems right to him—normal in a way that normal never has._

 

_it’s his birthday. he’s lying on his lawn, crumbling dead grass in his fingers just to hear the sound when mark lee strolls up the sidewalk with a rose in his hand. donghyuck takes one look at his dark silhouette in the glare of the sun and throws an arm over his eyes. “mark, if you confess to me, i swear to god.”_

 

_mark lets himself fall back onto the ground. donghyuck revels in the sound that the grass makes as it collapses under mark’s weight._

 

_he’s about to say something when mark tucks the rose—which is wilting, because mark has no sense of romance at the fair age of seventeen—into donghyuck’s palm that’s splayed over his eyes. donghyuck’s fingers close around he stem, and he pulls it to his chest with a small sigh._

 

_“happy birthday, hyuckie,” mark murmurs._

 

_donghyuck’s lips quirk. “i think this is the part where you tell me you’re in love with me, too.”_

 

_“too?”_

 

_“too.”_

 

_mark hums. “where’d you hear that?_

 

_usually, donghyuck would panic. he’d curl in on himself and make excuses. but he’s in his element. mark doesn’t care. mark won’t care if he’s in love with him. mark will understand._

 

_“i didn’t,” donghyuck says, bringing a hand up to his eyes so he can inspect it. he picks at a hangnail for a while, then continues. “but you walked here to give me a rose, and you haven’t said you’re not in love with me. yet.”_

 

_make pulls himself into a sitting position and hovers over donghyuck with a small smile. “you mean you haven’t noticed?”_

 

_donghyuck furrows his eyebrows. “i think i’d notice if you were in love with me.”_

 

_a couple dozen memories flash in his mind’s eye. he chooses to focus on the most important ones._

 

_mark sneaking out of class to calm donghyuck down from panic attacks. mark shaking donghyuck awake in the middle of the night, making the younger promise to always stay with him. mark turning down dance proposals to stay in with donghyuck and marathon old sitcoms._

 

_donghyuck breaks into a grin. “i’m in love with you,” he says casually, not bothering to sit up._

 

_he doesn’t have to, anyways, because mark leans down and hovers over his mouth, his hand curling at donghyuck’s jaw as he murmurs, “i’m in love with you, too,” and presses his lips to donghyuck’s._

 

_the angle is uncomfortable, and he has to crane his neck to fit against mark’s mouth the way he wants to, but his chest feels warmer than the sun that beats down on them, and when donghyuck smiles into the kiss, mark pulls away with a laugh._

 

_“stop smiling! i’m trying to kiss you.”_

 

_“sorry, i just—” donghyuck thinks for a moment. mark takes this as an opportunity to press a kiss to the corner of donghyuck’s mouth, and then his jaw, and his nose, and the apple of his cheek. donghyuck sends him tumbling away onto the grass with a loud laugh, but mark crawls back to kiss donghyuck squarely on the mouth, and then he melts. donghyuck pulls away. “i just love you. a lot.”_

 

_mark hums deep in his throat and kisses him again. “you have no idea.”_

 

-

 

the first thing donghyuck does when he gets home is pour rice into a plastic bag and zip his phone inside. he hopes to god it works—he’d been looking forward to calling mark.

 

secondly, donghyuck rips a pack of heat compressors open and throws one into the microwave on high. he starts to regret not buying the instant heat packs. mildly annoyed, donghyuck huffs and grabs the plastic bag. he makes his way to the bathroom and locks the door behind him.

 

he gets himself situated, and when he stands to wash his hands, his eyes dart down to the protrusion of his chest. he barely has time to think before his hands are finding the familiar packaging in the grocery bag and ripping it open.

 

donghyuck pulls his shirt off and heaves a sigh at the sight in front of him. he reaches up to hold things in place, and then he winds a roll of ace compression bandages around his chest with less coordination than he’s ever had in his life. eventually, he finds that he can’t breathe, but when he looks into the mirror, his chest is flatter than it’s ever been.

 

donghyuck tries to lift a hand to pull his shirt back over his head, but pain explodes in his ribs—worse this time than it’s been all day. he sinks to the ground and rattles out a few strangled wheezes as he thinks with certainty that _this was a mistake._

 

somewhere along the line, he blacks out from the pain. he doesn’t know how long he’s out for, but his face is pale and gray when he wakes, and he tries to find the edge of the bandages to no avail.

 

-

 

_mark is accepted to a college that’s an hour away, and when he shoves his acceptance letter into donghyuck’s hands with a wide grin, the younger has to force a smile and loop his arms around mark’s neck._

 

_“i’m proud of you,” donghyuck says, peppering the junction between mark’s neck and shoulder with as many kisses as he can manage. and it’s true, he’s proud; but an hour is so far away. he’s so used to mark living just around the curb that he’s not sure if he can bear mark living any farther away. “you have to visit me a lot.”_

 

_“of course,” mark says, lightly pushing donghyuck away so he can kiss him. “as much as i can.”_

 

_his heart aches. that’s a lie, donghyuck thinks. that’s what his older brother had told him when he went out of town for college, and that’s what his best friend in elementary school had told him when he moved away._

 

_“you’re upset,” mark notices, securing his hand below donghyuck’s jaw to tilt it up. “why are you upset?”_

 

_donghyuck looks anywhere but mark’s eyes. “it’s a long way away.”_

 

_“i know,” mark sighs, lips pursing. “i know. but it’s only a school year, and i’ll be home every chance i get.”_

 

_“i took seeing you every day for granted. and i’ve heard all those long distance horror stories, and—”_

 

_mark laughs, leaning forward to kiss the pout on donghyuck’s lips. donghyuck doesn’t even notice it’s a distraction until there’s a ring around his little finger._

 

_“i promise we’ll be okay if you promise not to fall in love with some other boy.”_

 

_donghyuck wrinkles his nose. “why would i fall in love with anyone else?”_

 

_mark shrugs and holds his little finger out. there’s a ring identical to his on it, and donghyuck crosses their fingers together with a smile. with every ounce of optimism in him, he hopes the coming months won’t be that bad._

 

-

 

he’s floating between sleep and unconsciousness when three loud knocks sound at his bathroom door. the door slams against its own frame but doesn’t budge.

 

“let me in,” someone says outside the door. donghyuck wheezes in a breath and scrambles to unlock the door, which flies open and hits him in the shoulder.

 

“oh, god, i’m sorry,” the voice outside his door says, crouching next to him and pulling him into a hug. a pair of lips drop onto his shoulder, and donghyuck makes a helpless noise. “what did you _do?”_

 

“you’re supposed to be in class,” donghyuck wheezes. there are hands running through his hair, and he reaches up weekly to swat them away. “why are you here?”

 

a thumb runs over donghyuck’s shoulder. he shivers.

 

“i called. you didn’t pick up. and then i got a notification on my phone that someone had bought things using my credit card. someone had bought…” mark brushes his hands against the bandages around donghyuck’s chest. “someone had bought ace bandages and period things. i knew it was you, so i got in my car and drove here.”

 

donghyuck’s eyes burn, but he squeezes them shut before any tears can fall. “my t spotted,” he sniffs. “so my period came back. and i was wearing my binder for too long, so renjun took it away, but i started getting dysphoric, and—” he throws his hands into the air, then hisses when his ribs flare up. “and my phone got wet, so i had to put it in rice, and i’ve been cramping really badly, and i just missed you a lot, and…”

 

he doesn’t finish. mark doesn’t let him. the older finds the seam of the bandages and starts to peel them off. “can i?”

 

donghyuck manages a nod, and mark wastes no time in unwinding the bandages. they scratch his skin as they shift, and though it hurts, the air that he breathes helps him realize what he’s doing.

 

“i’m stupid,” donghyuck groans, pulling his knees to his chest and covering his face. “why did i do that?”

 

mark pulls his shirt off and hands it to donghyuck, who—face burning—pulls it on. “thanks.”

 

“do you think you can get up?”

 

donghyuck tries to pull himself up on the towel bar, but his knees wobble. he falls over. mark catches him with ease, and before he knows it, he’s being lifted and carried.

 

donghyuck laughs and swats mark’s shoulder lightly. “bridal style? save that for a couple of years.”

 

mark’s eyes widen a little, and for a moment, donghyuck worries that he’s joked too far. but then mark’s eyes soften, and a small smile spreads across his face. “if you want,” mark murmurs, and donghyuck tugs him closer by the strap of his binder to kiss him. mark draws away and grins, his fingers drumming against donghyuck’s leg and side as he carries him to his room.

 

“you took painkillers, right?” mark asks, setting donghyuck on the bed and pulling a blanket over him.

 

donghyuck protests, kicking the blanket aside and grabbing mark’s wrist to pull him down onto the bed. he curls into mark’s side. “you don’t need to take care of me. all i want to do is cuddle.”

 

mark lets an arm fan out and drape over donghyuck to pull him closer. “you _have_ taken painkillers for your cramps, though, right?”

 

 _“yes,”_ donghyuck groans. his voice is muffled into mark’s skin, and he pulls away with a frown. “okay, i lied. i want to make out and _then_ cuddle.”

 

“my breath stinks,” mark protests.

 

donghyuck moves closer. “do you think i care?” he asks, bracing a hand on the mattress to trap mark on either side. the older pouts when he realizes that he has nowhere to move away, but he definitely doesn’t complain when donghyuck surges downward to kiss him.

 

donghyuck fits his knee in between mark’s legs and uses his free hand to cradle the back of mark’s head. mark’s kisses are as gentle as ever, and eventually, donghyuck realizes that mark has pulled away and is now trailing kisses along the curve of his jaw.

 

donghyuck snorts. “what’s that for?” he mumbles.

 

“dunno,” mark says, pulling donghyuck back down by his collar to press a short kiss to his lips and then dozens to various places on his face. “just felt like you needed it. also, you look really cute in that shirt.”

 

“you say that about every shirt i steal from you.”

 

“it’s the truth,” mark protests weakly, planting a kiss on donghyuck’s nose, which wrinkles as donghyuck tries to escape mark’s hold. mark pulls him flush to his chest. “you’re the one who wanted to make out!”

 

“not like—” donghyuck dissolves into laughter as mark starts to pepper kisses on the column of his neck. he pushes mark away, not caring that the older nearly falls off the bed. “you _know_ i’m ticklish!”

 

“i do,” mark grins, turning onto his back and closing his eyes. there’s a smile on his face.

 

“hey, no, you’re supposed to be making out with me,” donghyuck pouts, clambering back on top of mark to slot their lips together. donghyuck swallows the noise of surprise that mark makes and then threads his free hand into mark’s hair.

 

they kiss for as long as donghyuck can manage without giving his chest any attention. the pressure from holding himself up on his arms feeds into his ribs, mark only notices when he pulls donghyuck closer and donghyuck lets out a little hiss. immediately, mark jumps away like he’s been burned.

 

“sorry,” he murmurs, gently pulling donghyuck back onto the bed. donghyuck, unsatisfied, crawls on top of mark’s chest and flops down there. he’s lying just over mark’s heart, and part of his shirt rides up past mark’s binder to press their skin together. donghyuck smiles and pulls his blanket over their bodies.

 

“aren’t you uncomfortable?” mark asks, raising a hand to card through donghyuck’s hair.

 

“no,” donghyuck hums in reply. “you’re squishy, and i missed you. i don’t think i’d move even if i _was_ uncomfortable.”

 

mark stifles a laugh, but donghyuck feels his stomach flinch beneath him. “squishy?”

 

“yeah, like—” donghyuck brings a hand up to paw at the baby fat on mark’s face. he runs a thumb over the apples of mark’s cheeks while he’s there, and soon, he finds himself crawling back up to kiss mark.

 

“hyuck,” mark groans, pushing the younger away from his face while still keeping him settled on his chest. “i came to take care of you, not to make out with you.”

 

“same thing,” donghyuck says, rolling off mark’s chest and onto the bed. his side aches when it hits the mattress, but he tries not to react to it to keep mark from worrying over him.

 

donghyuck presses himself into mark’s side and closes his eyes. he smiles at the feeling of an arm curling around his back and fingers drumming on his waist.

 

“i missed you so much,” mark says weakly. donghyuck kisses the side of his chest to let him know he’s still awake. “it’s been… what, two months?”

 

“two and a half,” donghyuck murmurs. “but we have tonight to last us until who knows how long, so shut up and cuddle me so i can remember this when i’m sad.”

 

mark makes a hum in the back of a throat, and the drumming on donghyuck’s waist slows to a stop. donghyuck smiles. “i love you,” he says. it’s more of a  goodnight than anything, but donghyuck feels so much love as he lies in mark’s arms that he can’t think of anything else to say.

 

“i love you, too.”

 

“ugh, i _hated_ that,” donghyuck says, hiking his blanket even further up his body until it covers his head. “save the cute shit for when i wake up crying and you have to be my knight in shining armor.”

 

“i’ll call renjun,” mark threatens. “and anyways, _you’re_ the one who said it first. not me.”

 

“you would never,” donghyuck mumbles, but his words drag and his eyes flutter closed, so anything he says loses effect.

 

mark doesn’t say anything after that, just cards his fingers through donghyuck’s hair as best as he can manage in their position. donghyuck is content to fall asleep to the pads of mark’s fingers soothing his scalp.

 

when he wakes, his stomach churns. his legs ache, and he whines as he blinks his eyes into focus. a hand tightens around him. he slowly removes mark’s arms from around him and climbs out of bed as quietly as he can. the floorboards creak under every step he takes, and every few seconds, donghyuck glances back, paralyzed, to mark, who lies peacefully in his bed.

 

his stomach rolls uncomfortably. pain flashes everywhere that it can reach below the waist, concentrating between his thighs. donghyuck falls to the floor with a strangled gasp and curses at the way his body hits the wood with a loud _thump._ he writhes around, clutching his stomach and digging his fingers into it desperately to try to ease the pain. he doesn’t care whether mark hears him anymore—that’s the furthest thing from his mind now.

 

“donghyuck?” mark asks softly. there’s an audible rustling of blankets, and then the bed creaks and footsteps begin to pad onto the floor. in the dark, donghyuck can faintly see the outline of mark’s body as he crouches next to him.

 

“cramps,” donghyuck murmurs before another wave of prickling heat unfolds inside him.

 

“c’mon, let’s go get some meds,” mark says, planting his arms under donghyuck and lifting him into the air.

 

donghyuck lets his head rest against mark’s chest instinctively, but after a few seconds, he pulls away. “this makes me feel weak,” he admits, more to himself than to mark. “like i can’t help myself.”

 

“do you want me to stop?” mark asks, drumming his fingers on the small of donghyuck’s back.

 

“no, i—” he huffs and pushes his hair out of his eyes. “—i don’t know, it just… it makes me feel weak, i guess? because i need my boyfriend to take care of me.”

 

“no, you don’t,” mark says, carrying him into the living room and laying him on the couch. “i’m not taking care of you because i have to. it’s because i love you and because i _want_ to. there’s a difference.”

 

“i know, but…” donghyuck watches as mark disappears into the kitchen and comes back a few minutes later with a heat compressor. he presses it to donghyuck’s stomach.

 

“you were saying?” mark says, massaging the warmth into donghyuck’s stomach.

 

“i don’t know, it just feels weird. it makes me seem needy.”

 

“do you know how many times you’ve had to comfort me over stuff way smaller than this?” mark asks, kneeling next to the couch and slotting his free hand next to donghyuck’s. “like when my voice wouldn’t drop? or when my mom washed my binder and it shrank? or when—”

 

 _“—i get it,”_ donghyuck says, swatting mark’s arm.  

 

“you’ve taken care of me more times than i can count. it’s my turn now. let me.”

 

“that’s…” donghyuck closes his eyes. “gay.”

 

mark hums and continues massaging donghyuck’s stomach. “is that any better?” he asks. “where does it hurt?”

 

“my stomach and my thighs,” donghyuck says. mark’s hand snakes down to donghyuck’s legs to press the heat compressor there, but donghyuck stops him and pulls his wrist back to his stomach. “no, i’m all bloody down there. i’ll live.”

 

mark frowns. “if you say so,” he says, moving donghyuck closer to the inside of the couch so that he can lie on his side next to him. he keeps rubbing donghyuck’s stomach, and the younger sighs as the throbbing in his muscles seems to lessen.

 

mark plants a kiss on donghyuck’s forehead and rests his jaw on top of the younger’s head. almost instinctively, donghyuck relaxes into the embrace and throws a leg over mark. “are we going to stay here?”

 

“if you want to,” mark says, and donghyuck figures that’s good enough. he shuts his eyes, and he doesn’t wake for what he thinks must be a very long time.

 

-

 

hours later, donghyuck’s front door creaks open, and heavy shoes clack on the floor loudly, easing donghyuck out of his rest. he stays pliant on mark’s chest and keeps his eyes closed, but listens intently to see who’s home.

 

 _“lee donghyuck,”_ a shrill voice grounds out. donghyuck winces at his mother’s tone. “what the _hell_ did you do to my kitchen? none of these dishes are washed! the milk hasn’t been put back in the fridge!” she pauses and waits for a response, but when she hears nothing, she raises her voice and continues. _“donghyuck!_ come clean up this mess!”

 

mark jumps awake and wraps an arm around donghyuck protectively. “in here,” he calls drowsily when he realizes that it’s only donghyuck’s mother.

 

the sound of heels clicking on concrete isn’t unfamiliar to donghyuck, but it’s still unwelcome as it plays over and over again in his head, beginning as a small intrusion and then blossoming into a dull throb punctuated by every step. the heels halt without announcement, and his mother’s tone softens when she next speaks, her voice soothing over the throbbing in donghyuck’s head.

 

“mark, what are you doing here?”

 

“donghyuck’s testosterone spotted. i came over to help take care of him.”

 

“oh, is his period…? is it—”

 

“yeah, it came back for the time being,” mark says, bracing his hands behind donghyuck and rolling him to the side. he then slides his arms under donghyuck and lifts him into the air. “i’m gonna take him to his room and let him nap, and then i’ll come back and clean up whatever mess there is when he’s good to be left alone.”

 

“no, you go and nap with him,” donghyuck’s mother says, and donghyuck doesn’t have to see her to know she’s resting her hands on her hips and glaring mark down. “all he ever talks about is what you’re doing at college and how much he misses you. you’re back now. spend as much time as you can with him until you have to go back to school.”

 

donghyuck feels a laugh rumble in mark’s chest as he’s pressed against it. “thanks, ms. lee,” mark says. donghyuck feels himself shift in mark’s arms and assumes that the older is walking now.

 

a cold hand brushes his hair past his forehead. he relishes in his mother’s touch as she passes and sniffs when the coolness recedes and the hand falls away from his face.

 

donghyuck feels the pressure of light on his eyelids fade to black as mark crosses into what must be his bedroom. he’s gently laid on his bed, which creaks beneath his weight and groans even louder when mark climbs into bed next to him.

 

“i know you’re awake,” mark mumbles, but donghyuck says nothing to counter him. mark laughs and pulls a blanket over him. “you should talk to renjun soon.”

 

“maybe,” donghyuck says slowly, his eyes weighed shut. “he was only trying to help. i’ll do it when you leave.”

 

donghyuck pulls mark’s arm around him. he slows his breathing, laces his hand with mark’s, and waits for sleep to take him.

  
(when mark _does_ leave, he gives donghyuck hell for it, going as far as locking donghyuck inside renjun’s apartment until he apologizes. he doesn’t get his binder back, but he _does_ get a warm body to sleep next to and a stomach full of pizza and ramen. somehow, he thinks that might be better.)

**Author's Note:**

> PHEW. so that was a lot. i mostly wrote this because a) i, a bitchy trans boy, want more trans rep in nct fics and b) i like donghyuck and i like projecting all my dysphoria onto people so this was the obvious next step
> 
> thank u so much for reading, it means a lot! i have other stuff on my profile if you wanna check it out and support ur local dumbass hehe
> 
> stay safe drink some water and remember that i love you!
> 
> -daniel 031219
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/markbfs)
> 
>  
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/markbfs)


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